I recently took a parenting class called Building Emotional Understanding and will be continuing with certification as an instructor of Parenting by Connection with a non profit organization in Palo Alto called Hand in Hand Parenting.
Being a new parent of an infant is exhausting yet quite straightforward in the sense that if you are sure feed, clothe, bathe, cuddle and put to rest your new infant, he or she will be content and eager to interact, smile, play and learn.
Toddlerhood is a different ball game in that a parent meeting their toddler’s basic needs for food, sleep, cuddling and bathing don’t always compute to calm, angelic behavior (the understatement of the century!).
So what starts to complicate behavior as kids grow? In Building Emotional Understanding, Patty Wipfler, Director of Hand in Hand Parenting, teaches that the limbic system of the brain actually requires consistent, strong, trustworthy emotional connection in order to grow into an optimally functioning, learning system. In other words, the emotional bond is as important as sleep, food and bathing in a growing person’s development and can actually be used in moments of off track behavior to help steer a child back to their calm and reasonable place.
This may seem obvious to many parents and caregivers as they often recognize the positive impact that their strong bond with a child has on that child’s security and behavior, even in toddlerhood.
What is often misunderstood is what a child needs when their behavior goes off track. In our culture, time outs and punishments have become common place responses to a toddler’s off track behavior.
In the Parenting by Connection approach that is taught at Hand in Hand Parenting, a toddler’s tantrum is an opportunity to get closer, create safety, and invite a full session of emotional release from a toddler to create a deeper bond with caregivers so that the brain’s limbic system’s need for closeness is met. A toddler can cycle through a tantrum with an adult coming closer, rather than punishing and rejecting, much more effectively and with trust in themselves and caretakers in tact.
Many busy modern parents believe they don’t have time to use Parenting by Connection techniques in their chaotic lives. The reality is that it doesn’t take more time to implement this approach; it requires more presence. So if parents work on their ability to be present with their toddlers (and older children’s) wide range of emotions, being their close connection and safety as they cycle through and release difficult emotions, they will find their attempts to “discipline” more successful and sustainable and children’s limbic systems’ are fed rather than starved, strengthening their foundations for learning and empathy as they grow.
For more information, see http://www.handinhandparenting.org and contact me at (415) 377-6791 or at firstname.lastname@example.org if you would like me to provide a demonstration of how to use these parenting and behavioral techniques with children. I give talks at doctor’s offices, Mom’s groups, preschools and provide one on one coaching as well.